Lessons Learned from a Smut-Reading Dirtbag
by ishiryoku
Summary: Hatake Kakashi didn't sign up for this shit. He is always tired, and always of his "cute" little genin. The extremely stressful events of Learning Curve as told from the point of view of one Hatake Kakashi.


**August 1st 996 — Konohagakure**

If he's being wholly transparent with himself, Kakashi still feels uneasy about the idea of letting his students participate in the Chūnin Exams. Nothing about this feels right.

Protectiveness swells in his chest as he watches their retreating backs, anxiety crawling down his spine as they move further and further out of his reach. It just doesn't feel right. They're still so fresh out of the academy—despite knowing his kids are strong, strong enough to survive, he still finds himself gnawing his lower lip with worry. Their inexperience is worrying enough, but he's not even sure if they're emotionally or mentally prepared for what could possibly transpire behind those closed doors. What's worse, knowing what's to come after… the idea of his kids going into the Forest of Death makes Kakashi's stomach twinge with the distinct edge of panic.

That stage is a free for all—it always is—and that means that the three of them will be surrounded by enemies on all sides without him there to make sure they come out alright. Anything could go wrong, and he can't be there to try and shield them. The idea is absolutely maddening.

When did he suddenly start caring so much?

Dark eyes glance toward the Hokage's tower, his expression unreadable as he loiters for a few seconds longer outside the door his genin vanished through. He's still not entirely sure why the Hokage had pushed so unrelentingly for all the genin squads to be placed into the exams this soon. Something is clearly coming, looming on the horizon like a dark stormcloud, and not knowing exactly what has Kakashi feeling decidedly uneasy. Whatever is brewing around this exam, all Kakashi knows is that the Sandaime is playing his cards awfully close to his chest… and whatever game his Hokage is playing at, his kids are going to be expected to be in the middle of it.

Closing his eyes, Kakashi takes a long and steady inhalation of breath—slow, deep, with only the slightest waiver of anxiousness—before pushing that train of thought away with the practised ease only affordable to a loss-hardened veteran like himself.

Instead of dwelling on his misgivings, Kakashi latches onto the first positive thought he can bring to the forefront of his mind: the image of his three little students, side by side in their matching gear, looking like a picture-perfect example of a genin team. He knew that some teams had a sort of thematic sense to them in some form or fashion, something that tied them together and formed a sense of camaraderie and belonging between its members. Team Ten—this generation's InoShikaChō—had their little earrings, while Team Eight had that whole parka thing going for them. Gai's team was blessedly spared from matching Gai's fashion sense (outside of his little clone) but otherwise, it was pretty standard for teams to have… something, anything, to tie them together.

His squad doesn't really have anything in common, though. Not even similar colouring. Dark blue, bright pink, red, orange, yellow—Kakashi's fashion sense may as well be nonexistent, but even he knows that none of that is going to work in his favour. Still, he'd wanted that for his team. Perhaps it was because of the way Sasuke seemed so determined to pull away from them, or the way Naruto looked longingly at the friendships he'd never been allowed as a child, or the way Sakura was becoming smothered by her self loathing… whatever it is, _something_ made Kakashi want that for his team, too. Something in common. Something that could be only theirs.

The way Naruto's face had lit up upon realising he matched his team had made it worth it. The way Sakura's eyes had shone with tears, looking like she'd been given the best gift she could have ever asked for, made it worth it. The way Sasuke had stood proudly beside his teammates, body angled toward them instead of away, had made it worth it. The way they had all looked at him, admiration in their faces, had made it more than worth it.

The way his heart lurched in his chest at the sight had made it worth it.

Sighing to himself, a sound that could undeniably be identified as contentment to anyone who knew him well enough, Kakashi finally allows his fingers to slip into familiar hand signs. A tug at his center and the sudden rushing of wind in his ears heralds his arrival. before the door of the lounge, a rain of leaves around him scattering along the otherwise pristine floor. (It brings him no small amount of joy to know he's probably the bane of some poor sap's existence when they have to clean up after him.)

Kakashi takes a moment to mentally prepare himself for what he knows is coming, rolling his shoulders as if lumbering up for a spar. That description isn't too far off, really, considering that Gai is going to be in that little cramped room with at least seven "challenges" for his eternal rival planned out with no small amount of glee. It's going to be worse depending on what other jōnin are going to be in the room with them, too, because while some like to try and distract Gai's antics (Kurenai), there are others who take some sick sense of joy from them (Genma) and only serve as instigators.

He doesn't even consider the option of not watching to avoid the encounter, which says more than he'd like to acknowledge about how much he cares about those little monsters, and without another moment of hesitation Kakashi enters the little corner room hidden from the exam participants.

"Holy shit." Oh great, Genma's in here after all. _Fantastic._ "You're actually on time."

Every head in the snaps his direction so abruptly that Kakashi _swears_ he can hear their necks popping in response, and Kakashi can't help but roll his sole eye at their reactions. Asuma stares at him like he's grown a second head. Kurenai offers him a greeting in the form of a nod, though her bright eyes are a little wider than normal.

Kakashi has his ever-faithful copy of Icha Icha Paradise out and open before Gai can even open his mouth, shoulders slouching as he prepares for the onslaught of the force of nature in human skin called Might Gai. The clearly dismissive gesture does nothing to deter his self-proclaimed rival, because _of course_ not, and Kakashi is left hopelessly slinking toward a wall to lean against while accompanied by the sweet, dulcet tones of Gai's exuberant declarations of the springtime of youth.

"Ah! My eternal rival! The fact that you have arrived on time shows your dedication to the success of your beloved students!" Oh, god, he's just. So. Loud. Kakashi stares at his little book like it contains the answer to the long-asked question of: how exactly does one turn off Might Gai? _(Ha! Phrasing.)_ "How moving! The pride you must feel in your students is truly the epitome of youthfulness!"

"Uh huh," Kakashi turns a page without reading a single word on it, "so youthful, really."

"It _is_ pretty weird to see you on time for something," Asuma comments with a thoughtful glance that makes Kakashi scowl beneath his mask. If it wouldn't ruin his mask of indifference, he'd hurl a kunai straight at the other man's head. Geez, he's just a little late a few times and now no one trusts him to show up and support his cute little genin. Harsh. Unfair. Completely unwarranted.

"I admit, I'm a bit surprised…" Oh, Kurenai, he _trusted_ you.

"You're never on time for anything," Genma pipes up, smirking around his senbon like he's not slowly destroying the enamel of his teeth by regularly chewing on a piece of fucking _metal. _Seriously, how has he not been accosted by a dentist already?

"What the hell sorta bet are you lookin' to win?" Oh, goodie, Anko's in here. That's just great. No, really, it's just wonderful!

"I consider this an aggression," Kakashi replies with his best deadpan, glancing up to level them all with his most unimpressed stare. None of them look even slightly fazed and Kakashi's left wondering if his students have completely dismantled his ability to stare people into submission. Normally he'd have them at least averting their gazes or changing the subject with that move. Has he gone soft? _Oh no._

A flash of pink and orange in his peripheral has Kakashi searching the display monitors, all thoughts of defending himself against such heinously untrue accusations completely forgotten as his eye finds his team on one of the many screens. The three of them move together in unison, a perfect unit standing tall amongst a room of enemies. He can't help but grin with pride as he sees the minute shifts of their arms and fingers, the all-too-natural looking movements signaling their encrypted discussions in the team's code. The entrance surveillance cameras don't have the option of audio—that's a luxury only afforded to the hallways and gathering room for the second phase, naturally—but Kakashi doesn't need to hear the whispers he can see already making the circuit about his team. Uchiha Sasuke is already a big name, the last of Konoha's most prestigious clan, and Uzumaki Naruto is just as notorious within the village, though in a much less favourable light than his teammate.

He can see more than one glance land on Sakura before sliding away dismissively, taking in one look at her soft features and unassuming floral hues, and Kakashi's eye takes on a vicious gleam at their mistake. Underestimating Sakura and writing her off as the weak link in Team Seven was _exactly_ what they were hoping the other contestants would do, as it provided the perfect element of surprise in her favour. A smirk twists his lips, hidden beneath the dark cloth of his mask, as he watches the beginnings of the ideal scenario unfurling before him.

Yes, please, dismiss the little pink-haired kunoichi. _Please._

Kakashi watches as his team approaches Team Ten, Asuma's squad, and notices the clear hesitation painted across Sakura's face as the interaction unfolds. Ah, the Yamanaka clan heir—wasn't that her rival for Sasuke's affections or whatever it is the young girls are doing these days? Kakashi runs his tongue along his teeth in a thoughtful manner, eyes narrowing as Sakura clearly looks for a way out of a potential confrontation. Is she scared that she's outclassed, or scared to make herself stand out as a threat? _Or maybe it's something unrelated to the exams themselves,_ he ponders, eyes drifting to Sasuke's profile on the grainy monitors. Maybe Sakura regrets their rivalry now that she's closer to Sasuke instead of idolising him?

Kakashi watches with no small amount of interest as his favourite student drops to the floor in the most over dramatic death-scene he's ever seen, complete with Naruto clutching her hand and shaking his free fist at the sky. Kakashi has to swallow a genuine bark of laughter at the way Sasuke kicks her ribs and storms away, clearly just as embarrassed by his teammates as he is by his sensei's own theatrics, and he commends Sakura on a plan well executed. The Yamanaka girl is clearly distracted by whatever the hell that was just was, her expression completely bewildered, and he watches as his two remaining students take advantage of her confusion and scamper to freedom like overeager puppies.

"Oh, you're such a bad influence on that girl," Kurenai chuckles at the scene playing out on the screens, shaking her head in amusement. Beside her, Asuma coughs into his hand to mask his own laughter, clearly taking enjoyment in his own students' reactions to the oddity that is Haruno Sakura.

"I see your students are quite adept at seeing through genjutsu," Gai muses with an assessing gleam in his eyes as Team Seven completely bypasses the false classroom so many others fell victim to. Thoughtful Gai is one of Kakashi's favourite facets of Gai, mostly because the man is incredibly analytical beneath that goofy exterior of his. Kakashi would almost say Thoughtful Gai is bearable to be around for longer than a few minutes without making him want to rip out his own hair. _Almost._ "Yes… yes, that is quite impressive, they are the first team from Konoha to see through the illusion."

Kakashi can't even focus on Gai's words and properly gloat about how incredible his three little genin are—not when he notices the vacant expression that crosses Sakura's face, the clear indicator that she's struggling to remain present. He bites down on his tongue hard as he watches the way she slips, worried that he really _has_ let her be pushed too far too soon. Would they forgive him if he just pulled them from the exam this year? Would the Hokage even let him? _(Would Sakura forgive herself?)_ Kakashi clenches his jaw, dark eye focusing on Sakura's expression so intently that his eye twinges from the strain, and it takes every ounce of self-restraint within him not to sigh in relief when Sasuke seems to nudge her out of an imminent spiral. She recovers quickly enough, blinking back and setting her expression into one of determination, but Kakashi can't help the swell of anxiety in his chest as his eye flickers between the three faces of his students.

A quick glance around the room shows that none of the other jōnin seem to have noticed her slip-up. Of course not—they all have their own teams to watch out for, after all. Kakashi had honestly forgotten that other kids besides his exist for a moment there.

He lets out a long, slow breath through his nose and and glances back at the screens, the noise from the testing area all falling into white noise. He thinks back to Sakura's latest psychological evaluation, on how it had been noted that while she was making progress in processing her trauma, she was still in a "fragile emotional and mental state." It had been heavily implied that she wasn't field-combat ready, and Kakashi has to bite down on the rising guilt about basically ignoring that and letting her walk right into a field-combat scenario.

He hadn't exactly gotten clearance from Yamanaka Ginta, Sakura's personal therapist, for her entrance into the exams. He hadn't even asked, really—it wasn't that he wanted to neglect her mental health, that was the furthest thing from his mind, but that it was all but a direct order from the Hokage. The Third had all but commanded that his team was going to enter the exams, and Kakashi wasn't about to get charged with insubordination; however, since Kakashi had also known that the Yamanaka would have never signed off on her participation, so he'd simply opted out of alerting him. Ginta would find out soon enough that she was in the exams if she made it to the finals.

Kakashi blinks back to reality at the sound of Ibiki's god-forsaken voice rumbling from the speakers on the displays, a disapproving scowl twisting his lips. Of _course_ he's back on the scare-tactic using his scars—why fix what isn't broken, right? That always manages to freak out the weaker links in the chain, the genin who just won't be able to cut it in the exams, but it doesn't make Kakashi grit his teeth any less. He sees Naruto's skin pale in shock, a slight tremor in Sasuke's arms, and watches as horrified realisation crosses Sakura's face. Of course she'd be the first to really _get it._ He shouldn't have expected anything less, really.

"Is this paper challenge a new thing?" Kurenai wonders, eyebrows pinched together in confusion as she glances to the other shinobi in the room. "I only ever had to take the written exam."

"Same here," Asuma murmurs thoughtfully, glancing at Kakashi's carefully stoic expression.

"It's an interrogation exercise…" Genma looks uncharacteristically solemn, arms crossed over his chest as his dark gaze burns with simmering anger. Kakashi can't fault him, either—his own chest is tight with anxiety and fear and _loathing_ for what those kids have all signed up for. For what _he'd_ signed his kids up for. Genma turns his eyes away from the monitors, sighing deeply before continuing. "This trial is only ever used during wartime."

Kakashi shifts his jaw, clenching and unclenching it, at the suddenly very heavy atmosphere of the room. _War_ is a heavy word, especially to those who have never had to face the reality of the war front. Of all the shinobi currently in the room, Kakashi was the only one on the front lines during the Third Shinobi World War, the only one to be actively sent out into combat—and with the way he _feels_ all of their gazes slide over to him, they're all far too aware of it. They know what wartime feels like, they know the danger of being sent out on a mission with a war being fought on the horizon, but none of them had been the Fourth Hokage's student. None of them had been sent out on a mission that sent them into enemy territory, that put them and their comrades in the direct crosshairs, that left him the only man standing of his squad with Rin's blood on his hands and Obito's eye memorising every line of her face as she died.

They hadn't been marked as a "friend killer" like he had.

Kakashi turns his to look pointedly away from all of them, determined not to meet any of their gazes, and he seeks out his students on the monitors for something else to focus on. Instinctively his eyes glance over the boys, both still waiting for their turns to be led out of the room by their escorts, so he glances to check on Sakura as she starts heading for the door—and promptly _chokes on his own spit_ when he sees her swallow her paper instead of putting it in her pocket _like a normal person._

The reaction in the room is instantaneous and extremely polarising. On one hand, Anko erupts into that damned witch cackle of hers, throwing her head back and slapping her open palm on the table she's sitting at. On the other, Genma and Kurenai remain stone-faced and silent, but the both of them are staring hard at his profile while he pretends not to see it. They clearly don't approve. Gai doesn't tear his gaze from the screen, his expression thoughtful, and Kakashi _almost_ asks him what's on his mind just to understand what the hell that peculiar expression is for. Almost.

Asuma's reaction is more explosive.

"What the hell are you teaching those kids, Kakashi?!" Asuma is on his feet and damn near shouting, his expression darkening like thunder at the implications of Sakura's actions and who exactly he thinks taught her to do it. Kakashi isn't surprised by the reaction. Asuma _likes_ kids, after all, and he thinks that she was trained to never give up information unless it was tortured out of her. He thinks that Haruno Sakura is ready to die to protect her number because that's what she was taught to do. Kakashi can't blame him, either, because she just _swallowed her paper and put every eye in the room on her as she did it._ If Kakashi didn't know how much these damn kids meant to the former ANBU captain in the room, he'd turn accusatory stares his way, too.

Oh, gods, he's gonna have a heart attack. This is it. Kakashi's chest feels so tight that he can't breathe. He can't bring himself to pull his gaze away from Sakura as she's guided out of the door and down the hallway, genjutsu expertly woven over her eyes as they move. The chūnin leading her down the hall is staring at her with a mixture of horror, awe, and intrigue. It's an expression that has Kakashi's hackles rising and his protectiveness surging to the surface, because _people don't need to look at Sakura like she's interesting._ He'd told her to keep a low profile. He'd told her to stay off the radar. No challenges, no stupid stunts, nothing to make people do a double-take at her until after they were out of the forest.

Interesting gets you killed or, if the wrong power-hungry asshole gets wind of it, it gets you trapped in a fate even worse than death. _What in the hell is she thinking?!_

"They're too young for you to be training them up as ANBU operatives," Asuma practically snarls, his expression still outraged as Sakura is left alone in the hallway, blinking away the genjutsu and hurriedly plotting her next move. Life's a chess board for that girl and she's going to give Kakashi a heart attack. "That girl's got a target on her back now! Does she even understand what she just did?!"

"Sakura knows what she's doing." No she doesn't, and Kakashi is _choking on his panic._ This is why he never wanted children. This right here. Oh, god, he's gonna be sick. Someone's gonna get their hands on her, they're gonna hurt her until she screams what they want to know because _she announced to the world that torture was what it's going to take._ "She's only doing what she thinks is best to keep her number safe. I've been teaching them exactly what they need to know."

Today must be his lucky day, because Sakura makes it a point to prove him right on the screen just as he finishes his sentence.

He has to admit that the genjutsu is clever, a good way to catch her target off guard and disorient them. The strategy is sound, taking advantage of their confusion as they escape of genjutsu by attacking from another, and Kakashi practically beams at the screen from behind his mask. Sakura explodes into motion before Asuma can even articulate a rebuttal, showing off her prowess with the shunshin to all those watching, and Kakashi's lips quirk into a smile as she makes the cleanest, fastest execution possible and shoves the girl into the wall to stun her. It only takes a couple heartbeats for her to capture her number and flicker off the screen, her speed impressive even to Kakashi—who had _literally_ taught her that!—and he hears the sharp intakes of breath from several of the others in the room with him as she vanishes across the hall in a rapid dash for Sasuke and Naruto.

"Holy _shit,_ she's fuckin' fast." Anko's leaning forward with obvious interest, dark eyes wide as she stares at the screen and a wicked smile on her lips. "Damn, Hatake, I owe you some hard cash—Pinky's a right terror, ain't she?"

"You have no idea," Kakashi deadpans, heart still stuttering in his chest as he tracks his student's progress with near obsessive attentiveness. If she gets herself killed before she gets back into that room, he's never going to forgive her or himself. He might find a way to bring her back to life just to throttle her to death for it.

"All three of them are," he boasts after a moment of watching his kids together, lone eye still trained on her as all three of them talk animatedly on the monitor. "They're gonna be great."

_They sure are._

Kakashi watches their little reunion play out with no short amount of pride and relief. Both boys are basically glowing with pride over their victories as they—mostly Naruto—gloat about how they'd taken down their opponents, the three of them clearly giddy with success. Kakashi laments not watching the boys' takedowns, too, though he feels a _little_ less guilty for it once he reminds himself that Sakura decided to try and give him a coronary with that little stunt of hers. The boys would understand if he explained why he hadn't gotten to watch for them, he's sure. Hell, they'd probably ream her out better than he could… maybe he'll drop that revelation on her in front of them and let the boys do their thing. Sakura always caves for Naruto's puppy eyes, after all.

_Yeah…_ Kakashi thinks to himself, slipping his hands into his pockets and ambling for the door. _I'm gonna do that._

(Maybe he'll ask to watch a playback of their moments before he goes down there, though.)

* * *

**Hi, guys! I'm alive!**

**Sorry for such a long bout of radio silence. I'd been having a rough time and then I changed my mind on the upcoming direction of LC, so I had to rewrite some stuff that I'd previously had written up. It's been a hot minute, but I wanted to give you guys something before the new year, so I hope you enjoy Kakashi being tired!**

**I hope to update LC soon, but I hope everyone's well!**


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